16 March 2011

Gifts

You know, I think sometimes I genuinely fail to remember how lucky I am.  I mean, I have a ton of stress. I have school work. I go to a school full of spoiled brats who I can't relate to because they can't possibly understand the financial stress I'm constantly under. Additionally, I don't like the idea of "temporary" friends so I often try to keep people at arm's length because if I can't kept them forever, I don't want them at all.  So I have a lot of friends who can always turn to me, and I can always turn to them... but honestly once I leave school I'm not sure it's really going to be possible to keep up with them.  I do my best with long-term, long-distance friends but sometimes you just can't prevent people from being crappy. Additionally, I have an outer circle of people who I'm "friends" with but not really - the party friends.  The people who have no problem asking from me but have no sense of obligation or consideration towards me. These people are often friends of the close friends. 
So, sometimes I just get really frustrated. And I feel like I'm alone, and that honestly, no matter how hard I try, I can't CREATE good people to be friends.  And, in the long run, I can't over compensate for my friends' crappiness forever. 
And then I realize that, my needs have been provided for. Part of my fear of losing people is that: 1) I'm afraid of being alone and 2) I believe that people come into my life for a reason and I don't want to miss the opportunities that G-d is providing.  But, I think I forget that people come .. and people go. And for everything I feel like I'm losing, G-d is providing me with exactly what I need to keep moving. Never am I without and never am I losing more than what's best for my life and my future. And, honestly, if things are really as bad as they feel, it's not really a loss. It's probably an emotional net-gain in the long run. 

P.S. I'm making a surprise. 

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